After viewing a mock script that my course leader wrote and the first couple of script pages of Breaking Bad, I have drastically changed the actions in my script and how descriptive they are. I think it's a big improvement and makes my script come to life.
INT. WOMAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
A WOMAN sleeps soundly in bed. The silence of the room is broken with a sudden BEEP BEEP BEEP of her alarm clock. Her eyes SPRING open, she silences the alarm and JOLTS upright.
INT. MAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
A MAN sleeps SPRAWLED OUT in bed. The only sound is of his RUMBLING snoring until RING RING RING! His phone alarm STARTLES him awake. He silences it with a SMACK and DRAGS himself upright.
INT. WOMAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The woman RECLINES in her pristine bed, the room surrounding her is spotless, the morning light GLEAMING in. She picks up her phone and begins to type.
INT. MAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The man lets out a lengthy yawn and stretches as he SLUMPS against the headboard. Laundry, dirty dishes and rubbish are scattered across the dark room while sunshine cuts through the drawn curtains. He picks up his phone and smiles.
BETH (TEXT)
Morning, I can’t wait to see you today :) x
INT. WOMAN’S KITCHEN - MORNING
The woman is PERCHED on her seat at the table, NIBBLING on a piece of toast. Not a dirty dish in sight. BING! Her text tone sounds and she picks up her phone.
TONY (TEXT)
I’ll meet you at the cafe? :) x
INT. MAN’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING
The man LOUNGES on his sofa, MUNCHING on a bowl of cereal and watching TV. DING! His text tone sounds and he picks up his phone.
BETH (TEXT)
I’ll see you at 12 x
INT. WOMAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The woman takes her readily prepared outfit from the wardrobe and CAREFULLY lays it on the bed with a satisfied smile.
INT. MAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The man RUMMAGES through his wardrobe, THROWING clothes onto his unmade bed.
INT. WOMAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The woman makes finishing touches to her POLISHED appearance in the mirror, gives another satisfied smile and walks away.
INT. MAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
The man HURRIEDLY approaches the mirror as he puts on his T-shirt, runs his hands through his FLAWLESS hair and walks away.
EXT. WOMAN’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY
The woman leaves her house and begins to PACE along the pathway and down the street.
EXT. MAN’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY
The man leaves his house and STROLLS to his car.
EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY
The woman continues to PACE along the roadside, SHARPLY turning corners.
INT. MAN’S CAR - DAY
The man EXCITEDLY HUMS and TAPS on the wheel in time with the radio in his car as it BARRELS along the road. He takes out his phone, his eyes DARTING back and forth from typing and the road, then puts it away.
EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY
BING! The woman’s text tone sounds. She takes out her phone and GRINS as she OBLIVIOUSLY steps out onto the road. We’re about to see the text when SCREEEECH! The PIERCING sound of car brakes fills the air. Her head JOLTS round with WIDENED eyes and she lets out a gasp.
SCREEEECH! The car is about to COLLIDE with the woman when everything suddenly cuts to black.
THUMP! SMASH!
...SILENCE...
EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY
FADE IN. RING RING! RING RING! The woman lays EERILY still on the ground. Her body BATTERED and BRUISED, as her phone rings not too far from her with the name ‘Tony’. We see the man’s feet HURRY out of the car from behind her, RUSH to her side and FALL TO HIS KNEES.
His face is filled with DESPAIR and SHOCK as he sits FROZEN for a moment...Then HURRIEDLY takes out his phone. He ignores a text from Beth and dials 999 with PANIC all over his face.
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